Sunday, December 21, 2008

Sinko De Mayo

Item tagged with joke, mayonaise, titanic

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.

This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.

The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day. The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.

Saturday, November 8, 2008

News of the Weird

* Thinning the Herd: A 70-year-old woman was fatally struck by two cars as she, wielding a knife, chased her husband into the street during an argument (Springfield Township, Pa., November). And a 43-year-old passenger was fatally injured, after he, sitting in the back seat, began beating up the driver, causing him to lose control and smash into a tree. (The driver survived.) (Newport News, Va., November) And a 54-year-old man was killed after a road rage duel with another driver when he got out of his car, lunged after the other car while it was moving, missed, and hit his head (Jacksonville, Fla., August).

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Pirate Joke

Pirate Joke

A pirate walks into a bar with a big ship's wheel down his pants. The bartender says, "Excuse me, sir, but do you know you have a ship's wheel down the front of your pants?"

And the pirate says...

"Aaargh, it's driving me nuts!!"

Talk Like A Pirate Day

Talk Like A Pirate Day

A pirate walks into a bar. He's got the big ship's steering wheel stuffed down the front of his pants. He says to the bartender, "Arr, gimme a cup o' beer." The bartender pours him a beer and says, "That sure looks uncomfortable, buddy." And the pirate says, "Yarr. It's drivin' me nuts."

...and my all-time favourite pirate joke:

A much respected captain was sailing the high seas with his crew when, from the crow's nest, the lookout calls, "PIRATE SHIP ON THE HORIZON!" The captain turns to his first mate and commands, "Bring me my red shirt!" He dons his red shirt and leads his men into battle as the pirate's attempt to board. In no time, they have turned back the scurvy dogs and revel in their victory.

The next morning brings another call from the crow's nest. "THREE PIRATE SHIPS ON THE HORIZON!" The captain again turns to his first mate and hollars, "Bring me my red shirt!" He is just able to get the shirt on when the pirate ships pull even with the bow. After much clashing of swords and a pistol shot or two, the ship's men are able, under the direction of their captain, to beat back the onslaught and defeat all three ships full of pirates.

That night, they're raising their tankards in celebration and one of the crewmen speaks: "Captain, it was a grand victory today, but why do you always call for your red shirt when we go into battle." The captain responds, "You men look to me for leadership on the seas and for fortitude in battle. I wear a red shirt so that, if I'm wounded in battle, the blood will not show and my men will fight on with full faith in their captain." The crew sleeps soundly that night, knowing that they have a brave, wise man helming the ship.

The next morning, however, there comes another call from the crows nest. "CAPTAIN! TEN PIRATE SHIPS ON THE HORIZON!" The captain turns to his first mate and commands him, "Bring me my brown pants!"

Sunday, October 19, 2008

Not What It seems

Not What It seems

An elderly man was walking through the French countryside, admiring the beautiful spring day, when over a hedgerow he spotted a young couple making love in a field. Getting over his initial shock he said to himself: "Ah,young love... ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers... C'est magnifique!", and continued to watch, remembering the good old day's that he'd once enjoyed.

Suddenly he gasped and said: "Mais... Sacre bleu! Ze woman she is dead!," before heading off as fast as he could to the town to tell Jean, the police chief. He arrived at the Police Station, out of breath, and shouted:"Jean...Jean...zere is zis man, zis woman ... naked in farmer Gaston's field making love."

The police chief smiled and said: "Come, come, Henri you are not so old; remember ze young love, ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers? Ah,L'amour! Zis is OK."

"Mais non! You do not understand; ze woman, she is dead!"

Upon hearing this, Jean, leapt up from his seat, rushed out of the station, jumped on his push-bike, pedalled down to the field, confirmed Henri's story, and pedalled all the way back (non-stop) to call the doctor. He picked up the telephone and screamed: "Pierre, Pierre, ... this is Jean, I was in Gaston's field; zere is a young couple naked having sex"

To which Pierre replied,"Jean, I am a man of science. You must's spring, ze air, ze flowers, Ah, L'amour! Zis is very natural."

Jean, still out of breath, grasped in reply: "NON, you do not understand; ze woman, she is dead!"

Hearing this, Pierre exclaimed: "Mon dieu!," grabbed his black medicine bag; stuffed in his thermometer, stethoscope, and other tools; jumped in his car; and drove like a madman down to Gaston's field. After carefully examining the participants he drove calmly back to Henri and Jean, who were waiting at the station.

When he got there, went inside, smiled patiently, and said: "Ah, mesamis, do not worry. Ze woman, she is not dead, she is British"